A Nightmare: The World Turned Upside Down


After a week of the most antipathetic ministerial appointments in government, ever, where people have been given responsibility for things they shouldn’t be let within light years of, it’s no wonder I slept fitfully and had awful, vividly foreboding visions…

I awoke from my worst ever nightmare
Shaking with dry, wracking sobs
I ‘d been all alone in an upside down world,
Where everyone had the wrong jobs

Bear Grylls was a Housing Adviser
Fine if you live in a tent.
Esther Mcvey worked in palliative care
Imagine, hers being the last face you saw ‘fore you went..

Eric Pickles was a Dietician
Vladimir Putin ran this year’s Gay Pride
Katie Price won her third Booker Prize in a row
Rose West wrote ‘The Good Housekeeping Guide’

Lance Armstrong was a Polygraph Tester
As a Relate Counsellor, Nigella was hired
There was a Paparazzi Photographer tearing round Paris
Name of Mohammed-El-Fayed

Banksy was a Royal Portrait Painter
Yoko Ono, a mean Mercenary, Gun-For-Hire
Those naff Clinton’s greetings cards verses, were penned
By Benjamin Zephaniah

Russell Brand was a Trappist Monk
Who’d abstained from all sex and talking
A guy stuck on Workfare in Tesco
Had a name badge on: Stephen Hawking

Julie Andrews was exposed as a Drugs Baroness
Peddling all kinds of highs and euphorias
Her Defence Lawyer was OJ Simpson
The Trial Judge was Oscar Pistorius

Ranulph Fiennes was a claustrophobe, working from home
Never set one foot out of doors
A post-Top Gear Jeremy Clarkson, was now
A Department Store Santa Claus

Morrissey served in McDonalds
”Meat is marvellous”, he said
Tracey Emin was a Hotel Chambermaid
Making bed after bed after bed

I must have half woken at that point
I recall feeling clammy and achy of sinew
But then my subconscious dragged me back down
I’m not done with you yet. Dream, continue!

Liverpool FC had a new Manager
Kelvin Mackenzie, admired by the squad
Tax evaders feared two new tough Inspectors
Jimmy Carr and Ken Dodd

Katie Hopkins was an Immigration Officer
Caitlin Moran, a ‘Save Page 3’ Campaigner
The new Dean of Oxford was, can you guess?
Yes, Joey Essex, of course, a no-brainer

Warwick Davies was working in London Zoo
His job was to clean the giraffes
A safe-house, women’s refuge was being run
By Dapper Laughs

David Mellor (remember him?) was a catwalk model
He’d got his swagger down pat
Harry Hill had permed hair and a sensible office job
What were the chances of that?

Charlie Sheen was a Life Coach
Justin Bieber, a Driving Instructor
The Pope was a Porn Star, I kid you not,
He kissed a girl, and liked it, then fucked her

Just then, a car alarm outside made me stir
Never was there a more welcome Awooga!
I took myself off to a Dream Analyst, pronto
”Please sit down” he said, ”I’m Freddy Krueger”

Aggggh! It was one of those dreams within a dream
God help me, things are so wrong here
Like Radiohead said, in that song of theirs
What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.

I was stuck in this higgledy piggledy, Dystopian place
A land of arch opposition
Where Ozzy Osborne was a Speech Therapist
Shane McGowan a Dental Technician

And just when I thought things couldn’t get worse
I got the real heebie-jeebies
Turned out Jimmy Savile hadn’t died after all, he was presenting
On CBeebies.

That’s when I came to, with those sobs that I mentioned
I blinked a few times, it was over
My hair on the pillow was soaking with sweat
My hands tightly clutching the cover

But although my feverish vision was spent
To my peace of mind, it remains an effrontery
‘Cause although I’ve come through it, the worse bit’s come true
David Cameron is running the country

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