Unfairwell ATOS

Audio Version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Yul36_vlFk

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This is my sprawling opus on the appallingly atrocious,
ATOS.

It’s an irate tirade, a requiem for a bad dream

Unfairwell ATOS

One afternoon, I was ill at home, hurting, feeling dire
When, from behind still drawn curtains
I heard the screech of tyres
Banging on the door, Who’s there?
Then things went from grim to grimmer
When they burst in and said, – We’re the ATOS son,
And we haven’t had any dinner!

I had to do as they instructed
Turn your head, lift your arm, bend down
I was fixed with a ‘Lazy toe-rag’ stare
And a ‘Who’s he kidding?’ frown
Too many getting sickness dosh, cos of their so-called fragile health
It’s a load of tosh, mate
Bish bash bosh, great,
Look, your score says
‘Agile Stealth’

This test is flawed, I protested
Save the sob story, son
We think you’re as fit as the very same fiddle
That you’ve obviously been on,
You shoddy shirking workshy berk, go on you tart, jog on
You’ll be getting a letter in the post, tata
And they were gone.

Now you’re thinking, this sounds far fetched
Acting all cocky and loud
Like 70’s cops, on special ops
It wouldn’t be allowed
Ok I admit, I embellished a bit,
They weren’t that comically uncouth
Just like ATOS I’m being inventive
And economical with the truth

For a start, they’re not keen on home visits
You’re required to attend at a centre
Easy to find, just look for the sign, it says
‘Abandon all hope ye who enter’

And with a welcome as warm as Haagen- Dazs, you’re bound to be apprehensive
They’re enough to make a leper with his arse on fire, feel defensive

They are:

ATOS – The skiver-scourging crack squad,
Purging Britain of it’s slackers
The Work and Pension’s attack dogs, with their eyes trained on your knackers
Like a SWAT team on a sick bay, overruling family doctors
Their rotten, mean assessments demeaned and truly shocked us

ATOS – Ruthlessly misrepresenting the extent of your capabilities
Leaving grossly unprotected those with genuine debilities (since 2005)

ATOS – With their medics at-the-ready, and more than willing
To ditch the Hippocratic oath and take the government’s shilling

ATOS – No, we’re just trying to save folk from being trapped on benefits and forgotten,
Yeah, their training Film’s 12 years a slave, i’m pencilled in for baling cotton

ATOS – Just following the guidelines given to us, they say, ‘Our hands are tied’
Go tell that to the families of those that were driven to suicide

ATOS – They might not crash around in Sweeny mode, like Regan and Carter
But they’ve got more egg on their face than in a million egg frittata

ATOS – Appointed by the previous government, as Cameron’s fond of braying
Yeah, well, if he’d really wanted to clear up Labour’s mess,
He should have sacked the twats, just saying..

You see it’s not about what you CAN’T do
It’s about what you CAN do.
And what CAN do, is stop sponging and get off your lardy arse
Cos everyone hates your sickly little guts

Let’s have it right, you’re blaggin it,
Just admit it, slag
With your confused thoughts and your back supports and your ileostomy bag
With your never-ending symptoms, and your trendy syndromes
And your moans about M.E, Bi-Polar and Crohns

You freeloaders and your long-term sick schemes
With your defective genes and tens machines
And your umpteen fucking pills and creams
Well, we’re closing down the quarantine,

So take your stair lift your and your Zimmer
Cos we don’t give a toss boss
We’re the ATOS
And we haven’t had any dinner

They say, when Jesus Christ died, crucified
The sky turned black
That’s when they nipped in
And told him, You’re not dead enough, get back

And now it’s:

Farewell ATOS, you finally buckled
You and Ian Duncan Smith
Consciously Uncoupled

Farewell ATOS, when they let you have at us
You came, saw, shat on us, and left us in tatters

Farewell ATOS and all the nerves you shattered
When it wasn’t our well-being, but the stats that mattered

Good riddance ATOS
Judas colluders
Thousands of wrong decisions
Turned over at tribunals

Farewell ATOS your bitchy fibs were egregious
You back-stabbing, snitchy, blabbing rattus norvegicus

Farewell ATOS, like a catalogue from Argos
You are heavy, full of shit
And always giving orders

Move, no ATOS,
Wid ya  bumbaclaat farce
Uno treat I like a teef dem
Cha, kiss me raas

Farewell Atos
You’re in the new thesaurus
Next to odius, heinous, iniquitous and spurious

Repugnant ATOS
What more is there to say?
You make a walker from the Walking Dead,
Walk away

Cheerio ATOS, clinical henchmen
I never really liked em much
Did I mention?

Adios Atos
Patatas Bravas
Chorizo, Baccalau and other types of tapas
No missus, I haven’t gone bananas
I was just reminiscing about a visit to Las Palmas
They had Spanish Inquisitions there
That other set of charmers

So farewell ATOS, you were well unfair
And no, it was not fun whilst it lasted
Cos you were horrible, hideous, ghastly
insidious, nasty fucking bastards

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