Don’t Believe The Pipe

On logging into my Amazon account recently, I was informed that, ‘Based on your previous purchases’ they had recommended for me, an Ornamental Sherlock Holmes Style Pipe. thanks. What, I wondered, had I bought that could have prompted this generous offer? Did I sleep-order a deerstalker or something? I decided to take stock of my recent activity and look for clues. It would also be an opportunity to review the stuff I thought I wanted at the time, and to see what the ratio of ‘so pleased I got that’ to ‘shoved in a drawer’ would be.
Then it struck me, why not let the enduring sleuth himself conduct this investigation? Apart from tracking down any previous Sherlockian purchases, he could also brush up on his profiling skills by deducing whatever he could about me, from a forensic rummage through a year’s worth of my motley online merchandise, So without further ado, to take down my shopping cart confession, it’s over to Sherlock: 

Holmes: So, let us examine the evidence, Watson. Interesting that this first purchase of a Kitchen Craft Deluxe Cooking Thermometer, Stainless Steel was made in the run up to Bonfire Night. I rather think this person decided, on a whim to try and make some of the old fashioned brittle black bonfire toffee they so enjoyed as a child. I’ll wager that the homemade retro confectionary was a tasty success, but could have just as easily been done without this faffy item which has been used little since.

Watson: Fascinating

Holmes: If I didn’t know you better Watson, I’d say you were being facetious. Now see here, this next item, the Reflexology Massage Insoles. Clearly someone with a varied range of ailments as the little pimples are designed to massage all the internal organ pressure points, at once. I am guessing, this person suffers from, hmm, maybe Chronic fatigue Syndrome, various aches and pains and Irritable bowel.

Watson: Irritable bowel?

Holmes: It’s alimentary my dear Watson

Watson: You’re such a twat

Holmes: Ah, interesting, this Adjustable Aluminium Folding Walking Stick, 81-92cm would add to my theory of someone with health issues and possible balance problems. A fluctuating condition, hence the foldy outy mechanism, good for easy portability. Aha! This Large Black Messenger Dispatch Record Bag – Holds A4 and Arch Lever folders points to a manbag aficionado who decided to go for a, larger  size than they ideally prefer,style, as it would need to comfortably accommodate the aforementioned walking stick, which tends to try to unfold itself and therefore needs a bit of depth in which to contain and restrain it.
Watson: Can we have a chippy tea?
Holmes: I daresay they would find the two pouches on the bag’s exterior quite handy but I’m guessing that, recently, say on a hot summer day, when the Olympic torch was passing through this person’s locale, they shoved a bottle of mineral water down there a little too forcefully,and the stitching, not being the strongest, gave a bit and rippage ensued, causing a certain amount of disappointment with this purchase.
Watson: Coo, brilliant. 
Holmes: Now, what have we here? Bread maker – Fresh Bread in Minutes  I imagine this someone ummed and aahed long over this machine, wary of appropriating something they’d use once and then stash away in a cupboard for evermore. I am going to say, this was used regularily in the first few months, until the owner began to long for a loaf that did not have a gaping hole in the bottom, where the paddle pulls out a chunk each time. I also believe they were a bit miffed that the Malt Loaf setting makes a passable kind of fruit bread, but which is nothing like those squashy moist, treacly little things you get at the shops.
Watson: You know your bread Holmes, I’ll give you that. It must come from living on..ahem..Baker Street..

Holmes: Now who’s being a twat? This next item. Curious.Team Sheen, Charlie Sheen Winning T-Shirt. Navy Blue Small. I would hazard a guess this was purchased for a younger person..
Watson: Size Small. Duh..
Holmes: …maybe a youth, a Two and a Half Men fan, who, whilst observing Charlie’s on screen druggy meltdown, thought it would be big and clever to wear this wacky garment and persuaded our guy to acquire it for him..
Watson: Hey, we could have ‘Team Holmes Detecting’ T-Shirts made up..

Holmes: We could if we were twats, yes. Now, consider these two items, Rock Follies – Series 1 [1976] [DVD] and a book, You Grunt, I’ll Groan, by Jackie Pallo. The former, a risque at the time, TV series following the ups and downs of a fictional female rock band called the “Little Ladies”, music by Andy Mackay of Roxy Music. And the latter, an expose of that once loved British Saturday afternoon telly institution, the all-in professional wrestling. These would point to someone in their middle age, looking back nostalgically on a less stressful time of their life and wanting to recapture some of their previous optomistic youthful glow..

Watson: I loved the wrestling, always knew it was fixed. I told you at the time. You said it wasn’t. Detective my arse..Hahahaha..
Holmes: As for these Manicure Curved Nail Scissors. I’m guessing, for the toenails rather than finger..
Watson: Oh puh-lease..
Holmes:  I am convinced this person began biting their toenails as a child..
Watson:  Nice..
Holmes:   ..and for a good deal of their adult life, too. I reckon their mother even mentioned it to a doctor once, back when GPs were family orientated and not blank faced automatons forever glancing at their watches and making you feel like a nuisance. I think this doctor laughed and said,’ let him bite them, most people cut their toenails wrong anyway’ I think this person is no longer supple enough for such straining and hates nail clippers which ‘go through him’,

Watson: Too much information. Sounds a bit weird this dude.

Holmes: This Audio Cable (3 Metre) / Mini Jack To Phono suggests someone who found old recordings of radio and live gigs on audio cassette tape that they want to digitize. I think someone advised them to purchase these leads, but them being a complete faff-handed Luddite when it comes to technology, have been unable to get them to work and so the tapes remain undigitized.
Watson: That is quite good detecting actually, Holmes. I take the twat thing back. But what about the recommended ornamental you style pipe, what was all that about?

Holmes:  Ah yes, well, right here see, the last item purchased, the Tool Tech Magnifying Glass With Glass Lens. Sometimes even with reading glasses you can’t always able to decipher the nano-case print on the backs of some ready meals, prescription medicines and the like. And anyway, a sturdy magnifying glass is just a satisfying thing to have around. Never know when you might need one.

Watson: Yawn. I mean, true, excellent work fellah.

Holmes: So in summing up Watson I would say this gentlemen is ah, let me see, yes, ok, a northerner living in London for the past 20 odd years. A Stand-up comedian for 25 years, who had to stop due to M.E./CFS.

Watson:  Brilliant Holmes. Just brilliant. How did you deduce that?

Holmes: It says so, to the right there, in his bio

Watson: You’re such a twat..

Holmes: And now my dear Watson, if you don’t mind, I’d like a little privacy as I intend to peruse and purchase a few things from this online emporium, myself.

Watson: What are you going to buy?

Holmes: Haven’t decided yet.

Watson:  Well, there’s a lot of shit on there, but don’t be tempted.You hear me? No shit, Sherlock..



One thought on “Don’t Believe The Pipe

  1. Absolutely brilliant stuff. I particularly enjoyed the ‘alimentary’ part – laugh out loud inducing. The burning question is, of course, did you get the pipe?!

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