So where were we? Oh yes, I was telling you about when me and my easily spooked ex-girlfriend were at the cinema watching Silence of The Lambs. When I did the bad, bad thing. But i’m a bit worried now cos I think you might think it’s an anti-climax. I mean, it wasn’t like anyone got hurt or anything. It’s not like I took an axe and brought it down on top of someone’s head and ran away cackling as they slowly bled to death (Wow, where did that come from!?) But considering that this was the woman who, at the time I lived with and loved, it was bad..But first I would like to share with you my Halloween Photo Gallery These were all taken over the last few weeks.They are of stuff, faces,that I just saw and snapped. Apart from the Pavement Goblins. They are partly contrived. Actually, the first Pavement Goblin, I found fully formed and ready to go. But then in the last few days I took the liberty of kicking bits of whatever was lying around about to enhance the pictures. I wouldn’t normally but come on, it’s Halloween. Oh and whilst I was doing this, an elderly lady in her 60’or 70’s asked me what I was doing. Excuse me, she said, but I’m a nosy old so and so. I told her I was making a face for a Halloween photo. She asked if she could help. I kid you not. She said that he could do with a nose. She picked up a long leaf and straining to bend down, she dropped it into place. There, she said, that’s better. I took a photo and showed it to her. She chuckled approvingly. And so it was that, yesterday, me and an old lady in a head scarf stood on street corner in West Acton and made a Pavement Goblin together.Funny old world innit? And the photo is in.The Pavement Goblin with The Long Nose. Thanks missus.. The Gallery –
1. The Night
2. Frightened Fence
3. Tortured Tree
4. Grate Zombie 1
5. Grate Zombie 2
6 Grate Zombie 3
7. Leaf Demons
8. Poster Monster
9. Poster Monsters
10. Leaf Pumpkin
11. Puddle Stain Spectre
12 Tree Devil
13. Cloud and Lamp Post Ghost
14. Puddle Demon
15. Tree Root Alien 1
16 Tree Root Alien 2.
17. Ground Ghoul
18. Phone Box Phantom
19. Tree Phantoms
20. Drain Dweller
21. Pavement Goblin -The Original
22. Pavement Goblin – The Long Nosed One
23. Pavement Goblin 3.
24. Pavement Goblin 4.
25. Pavement Goblin – The Really Bad One.
26. Happy Halloween.
He always did,it must be said, but tonight his fright was heightened.
All Hallow’s Eve and all alone, his owners at a party.
One in a dark suit, one in white, they’d gone as Geoff and Marty.
(Randall & Hopkirk Deceased) Last Halloween when Fence was new and covered with tarpaulin
He’d felt all safe and shielded from the spooks and caterwaulin’
But now, as the Witching Hour approached, he felt the wind a changing.
Reality began to bend, the world was rearranging. A slither here, a rustle there, shapes shifted in the gloom
Thought Fence, why must these creatures come? I wish they’d all just get a room.
He tried to be a brave fence, but his timbers they were wobblin’
Then in the dark he heard a grunt- Oh no – a Pavement Goblin! The Tortured Tree began to moan; the sound of a million sins
The Poster Monsters came alive and grinned their papery grins
Fence could only stand and stare, too scared to even think
When a Thames Water Grate Zombie hissed and belched
My word! The sound, the stink! No legs, he could not run away. No mouth, he could not scream.
He couldn’t even close his eyes and pretend it was all a dream.
A Pavement Goblin munched and sucked and Fence, he longed for cuddles
To save him from the leaves and trees, the posters, pavements, puddles. Shadows fell upon him, behind him, something damp
Don’t let it be a Tree Root Ghoul, please let it be a tramp.
No one came to soothe him, to tell him ‘Don’t be scared’
It just went on, the things he saw! His night was truly mared He vowed he’d never tell the worst, if little fences he ever had
He’d say that such things don’t exist, they’d say, More stories Dad!
And when at last the sun came up, he thought of all he’d seen.
He’d made it through. So Boo! to You! Have a Happy Halloween! Hey kids, Now you can make your own Pavement Goblin! This is what you’ll need: A Pavement, a cracked one is best.
Whatever is lying around on the ground like leaves, twigs, conkers, crab apples and berries. Be careful though, a lot of berries are poisonous so NEVER put them in your mouth and ALWAYS wash your hands after handling them. If you’re not sure about something, ask an adult to supervise.
Now you are ready to place these things just so to create your very own Pavement Goblin. Why not use your foot to save getting your hands dirty. Don’t want mum getting on your case do we?
You could even try squidging the fruit and berries for that fresh oozing bloody puss effect! But once you’ve made your Pavement Goblin, be careful not to stand too near.
Or you might feel a slight breeze around your ankles and a hear a low, hollow grunt. You might feel the ground vibrate slightly andl something sharp or burning underfoot. You might look down down into an evil grinning face as it opens wide it’s jaws to swallow you all up. You might scream but it will be to no avail. That wicked granite grin might be the last thing you ever see…Muhahahahaah….
Okay. Here we go. Me and my then partner of several years, the one who could not stand spooks of any type, were sitting in Islington Screen On The Green cinema watching Silence of The Lambs. You may be thinking, it’s not that spooky a film but when it first came out it registered quite high on the scares scale. Lecter hadn’t yet been satirised and Ted Levine as Buffalo Bill was eerie, really great. (Did you know that he went on to play Capt Stottlemeyer in Monk?) The scenes in Bill’s moth-ridden cellars still do the business, I think. But we should never have gone together. Not long into the film and she was squeezing my arm and covering her eyes. She was doing it every few minutes and it was starting to annoy me. I can’t stand disturbance of any kind in the cinema and I couldn’t concentrate. She was trying to anticipate the shocky bits but at one point she got caught out and did a massive jump. I have never seen it before or since but in my peripheral vision I saw a momentary snapshot of her whole body out of it’s seat. She jumped out of her seat. She wanted to leave but I wanted to stay. I wanted to see it, I’d been looking forward to it. It’s only a bloody film, with actors, I whispered. And then at one point, after she’d sat there for about five minutes with her hand over her eyes, I, her loving boyfriend of several years, reached over, forcefully prised her hand from her face and said through clecnched teeth in a gruff Northern accent. Look, I’ve paid for this. The least you can do is WATCH! . She looked back with hurt in her eyes and I sat back indignantly.She didn’t squeeze my arm again. She sat still, occasionally covering her eyes. You see, I told you. I did a bad, bad thing. Afterwards, outside the cinema, we had a massive row and walked off in different directions. But we made up later and stayed together for several more years. We are still friends even now but I don’t see her very often. I’ve thought about it since and I can only explain it thusly. I love cinema. I love spooky cinema. I loved her. I wanted her to experience what I was experiencing. I wanted to be able to sit in a pub afterwards and say – Ooh yeah, that bit was good, and what about when he..? But I got annoyed and in a mood over the disconnect. I didn’t feel close to her cos she wasn’t in the moment with me. So I acted like an arse. It was out of order and I felt really bad. But it was only cos I wanted her to share, you see…share the horror…