So I knew it would happen at some point but when it did, in the Hammersmith Broadway Centre last Sunday, it was more farcical and annoying than I’d expected. I’m taking about being told off for taking photos. And it got a bit nasty. But I’ll come back to that..
Now I’m one of those people who sees faces in things. Maybe you do too. But I’m a day in, day out serial face-spotter. Clouds, trees, carpets. Anything. To me, shoes look like they’re silently screaming. I once marvelled at a complete Duchamps painting in a pile of ironing. Yes, I see Dada people. Luckily I don’t hear voices as well or I’d be a bit worried. Recently I’ve been seeing Paving Stone animals. Lots of em. Here’s a couple from the streets of Ealing.- Cross-Eyed Moggy (1) and Pensive Sheep (2). That’s what I’m seeing anyway…
Wallpaper is also good for face rummaging. When I was a kid. my bedroom wall had a pattern that looked like my granny. A tilt of the head and she was blowing a trumpet. I got a bit panicky once cos they moved my bed and I couldn’t find her any more. Then I shifted my gaze, screwed up my eyes and ahh, she was back…I love these poster chaos thingys, accidental art found in tube stations etc. One from King’s Cross, (3) Tell me you see the scary wolfish creature on the right, it can’t just be me…and from Baker St, (4) I’m getting ‘Fagin, when it all goes wrong..’ A bit like granny actually…
And so, there I was in the Hammersmith Broadway Centre about to take a photo and this security guard starts shouting, runs over and tries to block the shot with his hand. Like a pop star’s minder defending his charge from being papp’d. I’m trying to dodge this hissy fit in a blue jumper but he’s ranting and shadowing me. Calm down you silly man, I say it’s just a wall. He starts banging on about ‘only doing his job‘. Then he says. And don’t swear at me. I says, what are you talking about? He says, You called me a ‘Silly man’. What? Since when is that swearing? Saying that makes you even sillier.
Now It’s getting a bit loud and people are staring. I go, what do you think I’m gonna do with the photo anyway,? Do I look like a bloody terrorist? ‘Yes’ he shouts….Oh, nice, thanks a lot. I thought it was quite funny really but achey of limb and weary, I was in no mood for this Mall-Keep’s gib so I returned, picless, to Ealing.
Where I was delighted to find, whilst looking down at the flagstones,that Thames Water’s access covers look like Valentine’s Cards. Who Knew? My love for you gushes over or something. The day was not lost, then.
I have since wondered, did 9/11 begin with one guy taking photos on his mobile phone? Maybe it did and after all, the guard was indeed only doing his job. I go there quite often so I’ll probably see him again. I just hope he’s not in my wallpaper….
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